I am going to live off the grid.
I will have wind and solar generated power.
I will grow my own food and have a composting toilet.
I will live more simply than I do today.
I will I will I will.
Today my family does not drive. We take the bus and our carbon emission is very low. We save over $8,000.00 yearly by not having a vehicle to maintain, and that cost is rising due to fuel prices.
Due to the global crisis the world is facing, we try to be good environmental stewards. We live very simply in an effort to shrink our carbon footprint. It doesn't seem weird to us to only have the 5 bills which only amount to what...$500.00 or $600.00 a month? Have I ever mentioned I have 2 window AC's and 2 space heaters? That's my cooling and heating units. No central heat and air. And they don't stay on all the time. And we're FINE.
But now we are moving... and we all have to drive, which means THE CAR will come back into our lives..the car which Sam will need because she will be 18 and that's normal. 'Normal'.
When we move, we are expected to do the things we don't. We are expected to drive. We are expected to have credit cards and be a part of the work-spend-consume materialistic, stressed, stretched, time starved and cluttered world that is 'normal'. We are supposed to grow up and start a solid foundation for our future. Buy a house. Buy things to put IN the house. Nicer things than I have now. New furniture and TV's and ... what... new things that mean a new life. NEW clutter.
Well I happen to love my old couch that has a hole in the bottom that the cat crawls into. My ex of 13 years brought it over at 6 am and he and Brandon dragged it in laughing and it was on that same couch a year later that I saw my ex and his new girl snuggling and realized he was going to be just fine... which was something I needed.
Brandon and Samantha want new things. They want better things. They want THE CAR. I want to be closer to Mom and Nick and April and BabyKhan.. I just don't want the rest of it.
I need to find a balance. I need to mentally be okay with a new house that isn't.. this one. This old covered in ivy, infested with my spiders, pipes bursting in the winter, looks like a deserted crack house, tin roof where it rains so hard you can't hear someone talk.. house that doesn't even belong to me... place of refuge and solace where I found my sanity and raised my daughter house. Where I FINALLY let go of Robert and Jason.. where I FINALLY let my Dad have it with both barrels.. where I learned how to mail the mail.. where I found Jesus and God... where I quit smoking pot.. where I stopped spending hours doing my hair and makeup and listening for people who wanted to hurt me and waiting for a tragedy that was just around the corner.. where I remembered how to talk to trees and found out that I loved the people that no one else did.. I've lived longer in this house than I have ever lived anywhere my entire life.
How do you walk away from that?
I've tried convincing myself it was someone else's turn. I've thought about asking my landlord to let me sub-let it so that I can pick who lives here next. That is SO unrealistic. I mean I know this.
My Mother is big on cutting ties and starting over..on walking away with almost nothing. I know she would not approve of the whole 'sub-let' idea. It reminds me of what Joyce Meyers said once... that if you are holding on to the thing behind you, you aren't going to be able to reach the thing in front of you.
So I have 8 or 9 months to let go. If I could just KNOW. We're going to be happy..we're going to be so glad we moved.. we won't become materialistic fiends with debt and bills and plasma TV's..
I mean this is a great opportunity.
It's a great little town with a great little church.. you feel God in that church, you know what I'm saying? I bet you Father Fred would let me teach Sunday School. Yesterday I opened the Bible because I needed me some Jesus and I read some Psalms..boy that David went through some shit to write what he did, btw. So I find God and He will tell me what to do and He will give me peace about it and I wll be fine. What the hell am I thinking doing this without God. I'm a fucking moron.
And in the meantime I have my brother bribing me with Little Shannon at Christmastime and Katie yelling 'You can do it!" and Brandon excited and Sam.. well Sam is pretty much Wednesday Addams so there's no highs or lows there...
It doesn't mean I can't have a garden or keep bills down, right? I can still take the ivy WITH ME.. I can bring seeds of all the plants I love and have watched grow.. I can just cut out the bark of the tree with the initials and hearts and take the piece of the wall with her height marked WITH ME... I mean they have spiders in Louisiana.. it's actually warmer, so the heating bill would be LOWER..and you can't tell me they don't have wind what with all those hurricanes, so my wind powered generator would work better than I imagined!!! And I do love those crawfish boils... I can play dress up in Mom's closet whenever I want... I'll be close enought to bite the BabyKhan..
Okay so maybe this isn't as scary as I thought.
I do have a big issue with change..it just takes me awhile. I bet by the time we have to go I'll be fine.
I just have to find someone to sub-let my house...